For my two old friends Lú and Kirb. I hope you both fly high above the horizon and are the freest you have ever been. And too the 18 year old me who woke up in that bed, broken and alone. I hope that you find peace within the ocean and dream of where you will be at 20 cause it will be a better and different place. And I hope one day you will love yourself. Lastly, too the person reading this, welcome to the place I made home. I hope that you know you can take a break, you can say no and its okay to take the day off. It is okay too stop and recover. But, for now WELCOME TO - 

MY RECOVERY

“For almost two years I kept quiet about the fact that I was sexually assaulted. I felt like I had to come out to the world again. As if being a closeted gay for 18 years wasn’t enough. The phrase “I was raped” to me was harder to say and admit then the fact that “I am gay”. That morning after it happened was the moment I started running from my fears and anxiety. I couldn’t and didn’t want to accept the fact that someone did this to me. Instead I kept running through and around the city running away from friends, family and my career. Going out partying more than I should, trying to force the emotions I felt out of me by drinking till I could barely keep my eyes open or hooking up with any man that would show interest. I had this idea that I could just push it away and fill what I was feeling with lust and lesser kinds of pain. I could pretend that it never happened and If I didn’t tell anyone it would just be nonexistent. Until these options became less and less effective. Until there was no where left to run. No where left to hide. I had reached the line where land met sea. I had no choice but too look inward and confront my fears. I had no choice but to dive into the water and trust the power of the ocean. Throughout this body of work the crashing of the waves play a big role by concentrating on this idea of a brutal struggle and the fact that its not easy to accept things that have happened to me especially when it felt like something so unrealistic. Water symbolizes re-birth and cleanliness which is exactly where my state of mind was during this series. I needed to remold the way I thought about myself needed to finally see my reflection in the water and not hate it. I had to teach myself again that I was safe and that I could float in the water with out this imaginary fear that the man who forced himself inside me was going to come up from the depths and drown me. As you go through the series you can notice a change of colors and intensity because as many know the beginning of changing is always almost unbearable but with time it becomes manageable. Breaking a pattern of self hate and self blame isn’t something that can be cured in the time frame of the ocean changing tides. Instead it takes repetitive cycles over and over with multiple failures and relapses until eventually you get it somewhat right. Until eventually you wont have to feel like you have to constantly run anymore. Until eventually your body becomes your body again and not his.”