I would say the first thing I did was cry. Like a whole fuck tone. It was gross and like cringe. Thankfully no one walked into my room. But just like any artist I eventually made it to my sketch book. I remember writing "not enough" over and over on the first page pushing on my pencil harder and harder with every letter. I also screamed a lot and held a whole Avril Lavigne concert in my room through my speaker. However, eventually this all ended with me chucking my sketch book across the room turning my phone off and just sitting in silence and I mean I sat in silence for some time like a long ass time. And in my head a story was unfolding I just kept thinking about how I was before I met him, all the stages when I was with him and now how it will be after he is gone. I thought about how much I held on to him so that he would want to stay. I thought about how he turned me cold and how much he has changed me. I thought about what I would become of this, what is my future going to look like. Through all of the pain I created my series "Never Enough". A story about who I was before him, what I was with him, and what I will become after him.
The first image that came to me was "Heartless." Yeah that night I came up with many ideas however this was the one I finalized right then and there. I knew exactly what was going to be in the shot, how I was going to shoot it and who was going to model for it. I knew that it was going to be the first photo I wanted to shoot because its exactly how I felt in the beginning stages of this break up. (Also of course made sure to shoot some behind the scene footage to post on social media so that he would know what was coming.)
After posting some promo from this shoot I began to work in full gear giving myself a deadline for this whole series (9 photos to be exact) to be uploaded and ready by May 20th, 2018. I remember every night shooting, planning, sketching ideas, throwing ideas away, texting models and ordering crazy things off Amazon (oh gosh I really think Amazon is going to send the FBI to my house sometimes with the stuff I order) which kept me so busy that I didn't have time to think about the idea that someone I gave my heart too really didn't want it and it wasn't until I shot "No More Angels." that I realized this.
After this shoot was done I looked at my catalog which showed 7 photos completed. And I just thought to myself how I am more then half way done with this series. With multiple days of hard work and might I add a lot of scrubbing fake blood out of cloths and carpets I still didn't feel any different. I still felt empty. I remembering saying how I would give this all up to have him back. That night was a mess I wanted to delete all the photos I made, throw my camera in the garbage and just cry. But thankfully I only just cried again a whole lot. Damn as you can tell I fucking cry a lot.
The next day however it came to me. All that I was shooting was about what I am loosing and how I am hurt and broken. But nothing was about letting go and building my self up again. I needed to look at the positive side. I needed to look towards my future. With this idea I created my last two pieces "Letting Go" and my closing piece "Moving On."
When everything was complete and the photos were released into the world I didn't feel okay like I thought I would. Even a year later writing this I still don't feel okay. But when I look at this series from time to time I think about those small moments when the photo came together or while I was shooting and knew it was going to be a good one. I think about the times when people come up to me, even strangers and say how they read my series and viewed the photos thanking me for making them not feel alone. And in those moments I am okay. I am able to smile and not feel worthless. I am able to forget what I am going through and I thank photography every day for that. I would like to also thank each and everyone of you who has showed love to this series and who has supported it.