I DON'T CARE IF I WAKE UP

i love someone

and i hate him for not seeing it

we are both motivated and driven 

i am emotional 

he is very sheltered 

i'm needy 

he is narcissistic

but the fucking team we could be.

business mind and a artistic mind.

someone who is very likable 

with someone very headstrong 

someone who can go with the flow

and someone who leads the flow

we are exactly every opposite 

and yeah he is a freaking jerk

but he could be my jerk and 

i wouldn't want it any other way

just wish he saw that

wish he could look past the drunk texts and the misleading intentions 

and just see me

so instead welcome to my diary dedicated to the piece of myself i lost still wondering the streets looking for him. here is the place where i will be over dramatic about it. here is where it will seem as if i am screaming till my lungs bleed and cry till my eyes burn. here is where my loneliness lies and my insecurities are shown. here is where i present the feelings as to why i don't care if i wake up in the morning.   

the texts. the ongoing long cringe messages i never wanted to have to send. but if only he knew the amount of times i never sent a message. how the times i actually did i was screaming at myself not to. i didn't want to add more stress to his life. cause don't get me wrong i don't blame all of this on him. it takes two for a relationship not to work. but the thing that bothers me till this day is he never communicated enough about his problems to me. i still till this day know nothing as to what went wrong . i never got any of the answer i deserved. but these texts they consumed me they ruined my days and nights. rereading them over and over it was almost like they became a part of me. i made myself crazy. its so sad how i constantly tortured myself. blaming everything on me. and in general the whole thing was just sad cause the bottom line is that i care about him and thats all i wanted him to ever know. i just wish he replied with "ya know what, lets figure this out" but i never got that and maybe i never will.

i used to love going out. dancing having fun and just being happy. i went out to meet people and make memories. but now i go out to run away from him. i go out cause i want to drink so much that the only thing i have to think about for a couple of hours is making sure i don't actually die from alcohol poisoning. my goal used to never be blacking out but now i don't consider "going out" unless i do. cause the truth is i am scared to feel all these feelings of heart break. i don't think i can survive it. drinking every weekend pretending i am okay for a couple of nights seems to keep it at ease. but theres just so much i can take so much my physical body can take. the hangovers are becoming more violent my teeth are becoming yellow the pounds of body fat are wracking up my heart is becoming weak my anxiety is uncontrollable. these are all signs of drinking to much. but these long term side affects to me are worth the short term freedom. cause the only time i can come up for air is when i am drowning myself in alcohol.